Tuesday, December 29, 2009

When It's Time To Let Go

I was reading through one of my journals and came across this entry. My thoughts were reactions to the following article by Peter John Granger:

Sadness and How To Overcome It

In general, I don't really like talking about myself directly (at least, not at this time in my life). I find it kind of embarassing. Yet, I hope that the following can help someone in some way. (As a note, any name(s) have been changed and thoughts from the article have been indented.)
When we become very sad and just can't throw it off, it means we are a holding on to a person or situation. Whatever has happened does not fit our script for happiness and we refuse to let go. In the case of a failed relationship the sadness allows us to dwell on the other person and generally feel sorry for ourselves. Subconsciously we also send out a message to our ex partner that we are not happy and that they made a mistake. We might try to bring them back with our sadness - in other words make them guilty. The sadness has become a sophisticated form of communication. I remember after my wife left me and my marriage ended that I was deeply sad for many months. I also remember wishing I could become ill and get hospitalised so that she would feel sorry for me and come and visit me. What I was really looking for was for her to love me because I was struggling to love myself - it was showing my dependence on her for my happiness.
Hmmm…ok. How does this apply to me and Henry? Was I dependent on him for my happiness? Lord, help. I know that You know the immediate answer. Will you reveal it to me? The best conclusion I can find is that I saw him as love. Which doesn’t make that much sense to me…Or maybe it wasn’t so much that I saw him as love but the thoughts I had towards him as love. Or, maybe it was the thought of those thoughts being reciprocated? I don’t know why, but I’m still caught up in what once was (i.e. the person who I first met). No, I’m still caught up in my ideal. Lord, pls break this chain.

What’s worse, although I’ve said to myself that I do not want him as a friend now, I keep trying to repair that which is damaged. Maybe it’s the guilt that I caused the damage? Lord, what do you really want of this relationship? You told me to let go, and I did, but in the same vain it seems as if you’re trying to tell me to forgive and forget. I’m not talking about a “forgive and forget” where u forgive a person and then move on with life, but a type where you forgive a person and continue with the friendship. What was it that Alice said that day? Something along the lines of when God wants You to hear from him, and a relationship has been severed, u can try and put it back together again but it won’t be the same.

The saddest part of all this is that I don’t want to go back to being the person that I was, and if I really took the time to think about it, nor do I want him to go back either. He’s really growing in You, and it’s nice to see. Thank You God. That’s part of it. I miss the affection. Lord, help me to learn how to love me instead of looking to others to do so. I can be so pathetic. With that statement alone, I guess I’ve never learned to love myself. Too many faults. Made too many mistakes. Hurt too many times trying to “help”. You may have taught me how to forgive myself but it appears I have yet to learn how to love myself. How cud anyone love imperfection? Change that. How could anyone love my imperfections? Supposedly I can “love” others and their imperfections, but I don’t expect the same for me. What a lonely life to lead. Y? B/c then u only know how to give but u’r not able to receive. When u can’t receive, the love u have given, the love that has been depleted from you, cannot/will not be restored. Eventually your love will dry up, and then u r left with dryness. Dryness brings bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, confusion, faultfinding, pride, and the list goes on. Oh Lord, have mercy.
Sometimes we use the loss of a person or relationship to avoid taking the next step in our lives. We make an altar to the person and then bleed all over it (making sure that they are watching)! If you are facing unrelenting sadness, ask yourself what is it that these negative feelings stop you from doing? Whatever answer comes to you start making plans to do just that - it might be a new relationship or perhaps a new job or interest. Use sadness and loss as learning opportunities from which you can develop and grow as person. If you have a spiritual or religious belief you can use that faith to connect with the person who is no longer in your life and to accept what has happened.
Thank You, Lord. Once again, when I initially read this article I thot, “Wat am I avoiding? I don’t think I’m avoiding anything, and I’m not sure I want to take the time to find out that I’m not avoiding anything.” Yet, I am avoiding something. I’m avoiding moving forward. By keeping my thots focused on wat once was or trying to get an apology or hoping to have a talk session or trying to repair that which is damaged, I’m staying in the past.

12 I do not claim that I have already succeeded or have already become perfect. I keep striving to win the prize for which Christ Jesus has already won me to himself.
13 Of course, my friends, I really do not think that I have already won it; the one thing I do, however, is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead.
14 So I run straight toward the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above. (Phillipians 3:12-14 GNB)

No comments:

Post a Comment